Good Things About Living with a Pack Rat, Part II

...sigh...

As you know from last day's post, the weather has gotten miserably cold again, and I have (once again) spent the last few days cooped up in the house with two small children and lots and lots and lots of stuff. 90% of the crap is books, absolutely ridiculous when you consider that we're not even particularly smart people. No great leaps of brilliance are coming out of this house, that's for sure, except for possibly Baby Fangs: Her glass-shattering, nipple-piercing, eardrum destroying shriek, mastered just in time for the shut-in, must surely must indicate vocal precociousness of some kind or another. Anyway, whenever Mr. IQ comes waltzing home with a new book, my line is always, "Well, we could use a book or two around this place to make us look smart or something." It was funny once. Now I say it in a warbling voice, brushing back tears.

Once again, though, my cheery optimism and unfailing good humour will see me though this. And to help keep me focused on the sunny (albeit frigid) side of life, I've come up with a few more great things about living a pack-rat.

1. Last summer, CBC ran that Ulysses challenge, where every Canadian was supposed to spend the only two good weather months of the year slogging through James Joyce's 1000+ page classic. Although I was doubtful I could do it, I nevertheless spent the better part of three days hunting through all our stupid piles and shelves and mountains of books trying to find our copy of the damn thing. I couldn't find it in time , but I DID stumble upon an old copy of Finnegan's Wake by the same author and flipping through the pages I found a FIFTY DOLLAR BILL!!! Guess what we used it for? A trip to the thrift store, and MORE BOOKS!!! Ha ha ha!!(light tinkly laughter with only a slight, shrill edge to it.)

2. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Thus being house proud is definitely a one-way ticket to the deepest pits of hell for ALL ETERNITY!! And despite my many failings, no one could accuse me of having a swelled head about this place! Too much pack rat crap strewn everywhere!! When the doorbell rings, we all fall into panic mode, and run around like crazy closing doors. We also have to frantically search for Mr. IQ's pants. (Calm down, he has his boxers on.) It's very mortifying. In the summer I can avoid having anyone see this place by saying, "Oh, the weather's too nice to be indoors!!" But when the temperature is -40 C (which is what it was yesterday, today we're apparently going to be spoiled with a balmy -37 C) well, it's a little rude to leave 'em standing on the doorstep. What's worse, I wonder? Being known as a rude, unsociable SOB, or as a slobby stasher of stuff? I wonder. Anyway, I'm not going to hell, because I am not proud! (More laughter: HAHAHA! A slight neurotic tinge to the chuckles can be detected now.)

3. Well, we all know that driving cars contributes to the world's carbon emission problem. So by not driving the car ... blah, blah blah... less greenhouse gases.... blah blah .... virtuous, clean-living lifestyle... blah blah... I'm better than you, because you were in a car today... blah blah blah..blah blah....blah..wah...wagh...waah... wah... waaaaaaaaaahh... WAAAAAAAGHHHHGHHHHH!!!!!!! (Choking, guttural sobs. Translation: Severely distressed. Send help immediately.)

BY THE WAY: Check out the time that I am posting this. Yes, that is accurate, I have totally been shut off from the computer for days now, and, truthfully, this whole month has been a bit of a disaster, computer-time wise. To get unlimited, undisturbed access I have to sneak down in the middle of the night illicitly, like I'm off to buy crack. Grrrrr, I'll explain next time.