...sorry Mr. IQ...not that you ever really minded...
I don't know if it's my guilty conscience bugging me or what, but it seems like every time I read a blog these days, the writer in question is saying something nice about her little love partner. The Constant Whiner's husband was kind to her when she was recently ill; DoctorMama's husband is a mensch. And of course Heather CAN'T say anything crappy about Marcel -- he really IS perfect... and I'm posting a picture at the bottom of this page just to prove it. Just kidding, sadly, the image of his walnut-cracking adult buns will have to wait for another day... I can't find it, damn it.
A few weeks ago, I went on a quest to find a blog that contained complaints about a husband. It took a while, but finally I found one. Absolutely spellbound, I read in relieved fascination how TOM made this poor woman's life hell. He made her grumpy. He made her say things she regretted. He brought her down big time, and made the days difficult to get through. Good lord, he even made her retain water. "Wow, this TOM is a real asshole!" I thought happily, "Yay!"
Boo. It took me a while to figure out, because I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it turned out TOM was a coy reference to her "Time Of the Month." Ooh, how cutsie. Barf.
Crap.
OK, so no-one else complains about their partner. This may seem like a pathetic attempt to employ some (not-so) clever sophistry to try to assuage my guilty feelings, but as far as I'm concerned, the fact that I complain about him is actually proof that things are pretty darn good. I mean, if I came home and found him prancing around in front of a mirror in a flowery bra and pair of silky drawers, it's not like I would run to the computer and start blogging about it. (Dear blog world, today I had the most terrible surprise...) In fact, if things were really awful, I don't think I would ever mention him at all. So you see? This proves that my complaints are TRIVIAL because I rant about them ALL THE TIME.
Last night before I went to sleep I gave Mr.IQ a jab in the ribs. "Hey, Sugartits," I said, "Does my blog piss you off?"
"Huuuugh? No...."
"When you think about it," I said, "it reflects badly on me, and not you at all."
"Uh huh."
"Because I've noticed no-one else does it. Complains about their partner. But no-one is perfect, I mean, all husbands have their little peccadilloes. But I'm the only one who actually whines about them. So it just means that I'm not very nice."
"Mmmmm."
"There's a big chunk of chocolate fudge in the fridge right now."
"Uhhhhh."
"That Internet girl you had a crush on has unlocked her site and she's posted nude pictures of herself there."
"Zzzzzzz..."
I don't think he's too concerned.
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5 comments:
I hear you. He can't be all bad. And I'm not sure I want to see the picture but if you post it, I guess I'll have to look.
You've hit on a dilemma created by the very public nature of the blogging world.
In the interest of family harmony, if one were to *hypothetically* want to do any serious complaining about one's spouse, one would not do it in a public blog that said spouse reads. The possible ramifications and repercussions are too overwhelmingly dangerous.
Instead, one would do the complaining in person, orally, with a few other like-minded friends, leaving no written record or other evidence that might be admissable in court.
And one's spouse would, of course, do the same with his blog. That way, no one gets assaulted.
And that's all I have to say about that.
we could all start another blog -- an anonymous one to complain.
your could be anonymous whippernapper
and mine would be anonymous dust
and so forth and so on.
I could say stuff like:
My hubby makes me so mad because he doesn't load the dishwasher the way I want him to do it.
The key to a complaint-less relationship is to lay down the rules early in the game. For instance, if your male companion displeases you, the proper action would be to kick him squarely in the testicles and start screaming “I DON’T KNOW YOU.” Wait, that’s what you do when a stranger is assaulting you, for a husband/boyfriend, you kick him squarely in the testicles and then scream “TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.” The proof that it works is the fact that Jilly (Constant Whiner) hasn’t had to kick me in seven days…and counting.
I can tell you why I never complain about my fiance. Because if he read it I would have to deal with a pout that would take WEEKS to remove.
Honestly, they only reason I'm saying this here is he probably won't come across it. :p So shhh don't tell.
It'd be fun to say things on my blog like:
Why does he always leave the underwear he removes before his shower in the hallway right in front of the bathroom door?
Or
Is it necessary to litter the entire floor with every article of clothing he owns?
And my favorite
Yes he's a fantastic artist (he really is amazing) but does every canvas he's working on have to litter the living room?
Those are all hypothetical and obviously not being said about anyone I know.
Your blog rocks my world! :)
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