Everyday is Funday Here at the House o' Whippersnap

... in which my parenting skills are put to the test (again) and I flunk flunk flunk... AGAIN!...

Pandora Music Selection of the Day: Doctor Hook Radio. (Shut up.)

We had a cranky day around here. That Guy was cranky because he's working too hard and hasn't had any proper veg time for over a month. Little Miss H.I. was cranky because it's kind of fundamental to her nature. Even the baby has turned on me, I don't know if it's because solid foods have entered her life or what but all day long she just sort of... nagged me. As for me, well, I'm NEVER cranky, (stop that laughing) but three whiny souls sharing the same space with you kind of drags you down after a while.

I guess it probably all started yesterday during our daily Stroll to Keep Mom Sane. I said old H.I. had gotten resigned to our walks, but she was just building up for the Big One. Our trip home from Superstore yesterday was about as miserable an experience as I've ever had. My attempts to silence her were pitiful at best, downright criminal at worst. She'd been bribed with promises of hot chocolate and cartoons for good behavior on the trek home. I thought I had her. But we only got maybe, MAYBE thirty seconds into our walk when it started.

"I'M ITCHY! MY NOSE IS SPICY! YOU ARE NOT NICE! I WANT A SNACK! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!"

I was frantic, because I know her. If she was howling already, we were in for a VERY long walk. That Guy had the car, and there was no way of reaching him. What was I going to do? Plus, I was absolutely DESPERATE for her to watch cartoons when we got home. If I was lucky, the baby would go to sleep, and I could get some Me Time..... but I'd already told her if she did ANY howling AT ALL she couldn't watch any. Stupid stupid stupid!

"....AND I DON'T LIKE THIS AND YOU ARE NOT NICE AND THESE GLOVES ARE TOO BIG AND MY NOSE IS STILL SPICY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH......"

The thing is, you cannot talk to her when she gets this way. You can't say brightly "aw, well, that's a shame about your, er, ... spicy nose, there, honey," because anything you say just enrages her further. And I certainly can't help UNSPICE her nose or anything. I mean, what the heck is a spicy nose?

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!!!"

There we were, the four of us: me, baby, Crazy Girl with Spicy Nose, and the ONE KILOMETER TREK THAT LAY AHEAD OF US!!! There was nothing else for me to do. I started walking. It was agonizing. Three steps forward. Wait wait wait wait wait. Three more steps. Wait wait wait wait.

And it was cooooooooold out.

My parenting skills became downright ridiculous. Remember, I had to get her home and allow her to watch cartoons without losing face. I had said no cartoons, but she HAD to watch cartoons. She HAD to.

"OK, sweetie, we'll start fresh. If you can just stop screaming now, you can still watch cartoons..."

"OK, here's the plan love. You can only watch one cartoon now, but it will be a really good one!" (...and a really long one...)

"OK, well, the hot chocolate is DEFINITELY out now, but stop howling like a wolf and you can still see a cartoon. I've got a really good one, a new one you've NEVER SEEN BEFORE!" (I'm lying now... but surely I can find one she hasn't seen for a long time and has forgotten about?)

"OK, I've just about had it, if you don't stop screaming RIGHT NOW, so help me, you will NEVER WATCH CARTOONS EVER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE!!!!! AND I MEAN IT!"

Total breakdown. "(***SOB***) Please... please... please just stop crying. Please. I'll do anything. Anything. Cartoons. Hot chocolate. We'll sell the house and go live in Disneyland. Daddy will sell one of his kidneys and buy you every single toy that has ever been made ever. Just.. please.. stop... crying."

Needless to say, we never made it home. Halfway there, we collapsed into the doorway of the local Malaysian restaurant, where I borrowed the phone and left a frantic message for That Guy. Old High Intensity immediately perked up when she realized we were in a restaurant, and since I had absolutely no idea if/when he would get my message, we ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, bacon and eggs. I didn't say much, but she had a grand time.

"Wow, bacon, I love bacon, can I have your bacon mom, yum, I'm going to use the ketchup as a dip, say, these eggs are scrambled, well, I like them sunny side up, but, OK, I'll eat them scrambled, how come you're not eating mom? Mom? Mom?"

My head was resting on the table when That Guy suddenly appeared in the doorway. He has never looked so handsome, and I told him that.

"You have never looked so handsome."

He packed them all up in the car for me, and we were home in two minutes. Old H.I. was banished to her room and I lay on the couch recuperating for a long, long time.

I really don't know how single parents do it.