...gotta stop watching those damn home improvement shows...
Yay! Exciting times here at the House of Whippersnapper. Last night, I started yet ANOTHER project that I will NEVER, EVER, EVER finish!! Stripping, sanding and varnishing all the wood trim in our house is a task that I, blessed with the attention span of a two year old child and the innate, stick-to-it abilities of kumquat, have about as much of a chance of finishing as I do completing a doctorate on solitaire chess moves and yet I MUST start this. The inner masochist in me absolutely COMPELS ME to set myself up for failure. It's a compulsion bordering on mental illness: If Mr. IQ collects books and "neat things," well, I accumulate abandoned projects. Quilts, diaries, baby books, old furniture that needs to be refinished, they're all scattered around this house, serving only one purpose, that being to MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY. Oh, and to make you-know-who feel smug and superior.
Everyone I know likes to rub my inability to finish things in my face. Even my brother. Several years ago, when courting his now wife, he wrote a little love poem to her which I just happened to accidentally stumble upon one day while hunting through the far dark corners of his locked desk drawer. It contained the following lines:
My sister stops doing
Everything she starts
But I'll never stop
Loving you
As you may have guessed, he went on to become an ath-may ofessor-pray, not a world famous poet. Hmmm, it has just occurred to me that people tend to like writing poems which highlight all my personal failings. Suddenly feeling quite resentful.
The difficulty I have completing things hit a new low two years ago during spring break, when the only goal I set for myself was to try out this coconut cream cake recipe I read about in a gourmet magazine. I'm not much of a baker, but for some reason, the picture of this cake just triggered something in the coconut cream pleasure center of my brain, and I HAD to make it. But try as I would, I just couldn't get past the creamy filling stage. I made it at least four times, and each time succumbed to the temptation and gobbled it up before managing to wedge said filling between two light fluffy cake halves and covering it with delicious icing.
So pathetic.
I have to say, though, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this latest project. I bought this great product called Peel Away, which is ridiculously expensive, but pretty fun to work with. You slap it on the wood, cover it with plastic and 24 hours later just peel everything off. I'm feeling optimistic, because the peeling part of the process really appeals to the grosser side of my personality, i.e., the side of me that likes to squeeze blackheads and pick at the cradle cap on Baby Fangs' scalp. Oh my heavens, did I really just admit to enjoying these things? How absolutely embarrassing. If my grade six teacher or my brother read this, no doubt they'd write a poem about it.
I feel quite ill
Watching my sister squeeze her blackheads
But I'll never feel ill
Squeezing you
Damn smug PhD types!! I'll show him! I WILL finish this project! I WILL get it done! It's like the time Russell Crowe and I were walking on the beach together back in 2001. We were holding hands, and he looked at me and said, "Look Whippersnapper, it's
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6 comments:
OH NO, NOT PEEL AWAY. I hope I've reached you before it's too late.
That stuff is the bane to my existence. I tried it on the ceiling of our outdoor porch which had many layers of peeling paint. It peeled some of the paint but left more than it peeled and the stuff that it left is all gnarly with caustic chemicals and impossible to get clean and after much weeping and wiping and giving myself cancer, I just painted over the damn mess and now, whenever the humidity inches past 20 percent, that Peel Away stuff begins to work it's magic on the new paint and is bleeding through, causing great splotches and flaking and much angst. Whatever you do, start with a small hidden area and see how it works before slathering all the woodworking in your house with this scary, scary stuff. I wish you much luck and the endurance to see this project through and a better result than I had.
Somewhere, there must be a non-profit organization that accepts unfinished projects to help teach people lifeskills or something. Because I have my share of them too - quilts that seemed like a good idea until I had 200 squares cut and only 12 of them sewn together, the front part of the sweater that will never have sleeves or a back... oh I could go on, but it would only make me cry.
Yes ... we should start a club. A club for never-finishers! I could totally be the secretary of the club. Because I love to organize and keep neat records and file and make pretty office spaces ... but then I get a little tired. And maybe distracted. And of course I am not interested anymore, there are more interesting, exciting projects that I WILL FINISH THIS TIME!!
Several years ago I saw an "Oprah" episode featuring businesses that made their living finishing projects for people. She had people who finished quilts, knitting, home remodeling projects, did mending, clothing alterations, fixed broken things, refinished furniture. Basically all those little things that lay around unfinished in everybody's house.
The only problem I saw was her assumption that all of us with unfinished projects have plenty of cash sitting around too, to pay people to finish things...
Well, I have a pretty poor track record for finishing what I start as well.
As far as starting a club, I imagine we'd get together to plan where and when to meet, start work on writing a constitution, and so forth... but the club would never get off the ground.
that's right. with enough money, i wouldn't START any projects myself... i'd just pay people to start and finish them and be done with all this half assed stuff.
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